Sep 20, 2013

Radiation waiting room

Here I am in the waiting room of the clinic, as I am each morning in the work week. It is a beautiful place but also a very sad place.  As I am surrounded by many people with tragic lives I feel both deeply fortunate and guilty as my prognosis is often vastly different from others here. Yesterday I was drawn into conversation with 2 women and as the one whose husband has just received the news that his days are drawing to an end was comforted by the other who had stage 4 melanoma, I found myself unable to speak into this sea of tragedy. Here was a circle in which I didn't belong and I wished that I had the right words, but instead I could only listen.

This also reawakens the sorrow I feel as I recently heard of the death from cancer of a friend from college. She was one of the nicest people I know and it is taking time to digest. She was so full of life, very active and health conscious, it is hard to believe. She was 53 and she has left behind 3 kids and a lovely husband. It is all taking time to digest and for the shock to progress to grief.

As for me I am halfway done with 3 weeks to go. My skin is starting to darken and I am getting tired, but what is that in the big scheme of things? There is so much to be thankful for and I am challenged to not feel sorry for myself. I can do this.

Sep 3, 2013

Living in the now

I find that the anxieties of life can be such a distraction from being present. I am reading a novel about time from the eastern perspective, and though I see time and space somewhat differently, the act of being present is an important one to learn. This here is always the only place we can inhabit - the NOW, and being aware of our immediate surroundings, the place, the people, the things happening now helps me to live within the finiteness of my being. I cannot see the future, though I have a long term hope, but I am called to live in the here and now and this is always where I function best. Even if this is not where I want to be it is where I am, and not being God, I have to stay here in this moment.

I don't want to go for radiation today, but I must and so I won't fight it but focus on the other things I can also do today, I can also notice the good things that are happening too. A lady has offered me juice in the waiting room, someone gave me a ride and another person made lunch. I have much to be thankful for. This morning was beautiful with the early morning horizontal light shining on the garden and the little hummingbirds were stretching their cold wings in the early rays. My hens were sure they wanted some of my coffee and were clucking around me and the coffee was so warm, rich and good. There is a fullness to this moment, and as I hope and dream I also try to keep my feet planted on this earth and sink my toes into the rich ground. We are to be rooted people, not just dreamers and there is much to extract from this rich soil, despite the rocks and briers.