Jun 27, 2012


I wish that my prayer life didn't freeze so much when things are difficult. I go into shut down and don't know how to pray. I know that God is caring for me and that I am not alone, but I guess the fear of MS deterioration leaves me frozen. I know in my head that I should cry out but I can hardly face what is going on inside. Thankfully God can hold me even when I cannot hold on myself. An image keeps coming back to me of a postcard sent by my friend and mentor Birdie, who since died of cancer. It is of a clay hand with a small child curled up inside it. I think that maybe that is all I can do, just rest in his hand and let him be in control. His love is not absent in pain and his care is gentle.

Jun 25, 2012

Andy Goldsworthy

One of my favourite artists is Andy Goldsworthy. He seems to create etherial, haunting images out of nature that can be as fleeting or as solid as the material he creates with. The way they blend seemlessly with their environment seems effortless, though much work and skill goes into it. Here is a vision of art that I find transporting.
This is made from icicles and melts with the sun
These are Fall leaves
These are fern stems threaded into eachother and they hold together only for a brief time after so much work

Jun 19, 2012

It has been one of those days that has left me with fatigue and a whopping headache. It was 95 today and I melt in this heat. I was feeling like my brain was concrete but I just saw this on pintrest and it made my heart soar in an unexpected way. I can always let my dreams carry me away. This is a flight of fancy and it is just what the doctor ordered. 

Jun 15, 2012

After losing another degree of my physical health, and being reminded that this will in fact keep happening, I find that I am being knocked down emotionally - again.  This feels like pure grief, as though I have lost a friend to death. I have been trying figure out why I feel this way as I no longer seem to be able to just get on with things. Usually I can be strong and mostly upbeat, but the rug has been pulled out from under me and it seems like all the gains of the last few years have gone and here I am again.  I am angry too, really angry, I don't like this one bit! I realize though that I am not crazy, my physical ability is my friend and I really did lose a chunk of it.

Not only that but I have lost a chunk of dignity as well, as bowel and bladder issues are resulting in feeling like an old lady. The medical tests are pretty appalling too not to mention appointments nearly every day for weeks.  I want to just curl up for a while and cry, get mad and eat chocolate. Let me just get on with this grieving for a while, after all, a part of me just died.

Jun 12, 2012

I saw my Neurologist today and was once again reminded that I am on a downhill slope, despite my best attempts at denial. I have many lesions on the spine and I am moving into the progressive form of the disease. Now I need to find the energy to re-adjust to a new routine, and to face new limitations. I know I should be thankful for all the prayer and support that I receive, but right now I just need to say that this sucks and I hate it. It makes me feel so lonely and isolated, not being able to keep up and fit in.  At least I know that God feels and understands my pain too.

Sometimes the tiredness just robs me of the will to make an effort, but I have to remember that weakness is not something to be ashamed of. This feeling will pass after a while and there will be good times along the way, in the not yet, but someday. I think I need to just close my eyes.

Jun 9, 2012

I have had MS for 20 years and was diagnosed 8 years ago. I painted this picture of my favourite walk before I knew I was carrying a form of Russian roulette in my body. I was initially worried about the future, but today I can still walk and have now adjusted to this new normal. This has become my picture of the journey and not knowing what is around the corner or what is down the road.  However, it is also of trying to enjoy the here and now, the many forms of beauty along the way.

Jun 6, 2012

My chickens are now 3 months old
They are enjoying the great outdoors as am I.

Jun 2, 2012

living with Multiple Sclerosis - dreams cannot be chained