Jun 1, 2013

A physical disconnect: dreams and reality.

Sometimes my head and my body get so disconnected from each other. In my head I make plans for the day, informed by what I need to accomplish and what I would enjoy doing. This is what I need to do: laundry and clean the bathrooms which I have put off for far to long and can no longer be ignored. This is what I want to do: garden, putting compost on the fruit tree, weeding the dandelions, clearing the weeding I did yesterday and then if I have energy this is what I want to do most of all: look for morels.

The sun is shining on a Saturday for the first time in so very long and I am excited to get out, so eagerly I had breakfast, got dressed and ready for the day. I tried ignoring the fact that I had a whopping headache but by the time I was ready I felt like death and could no longer ignore the fact that I was terribly sick. Just walking down to the basement and back upstairs nearly floored me so reality came pounding on my door. So now I am in bed blogging.

Every one has days like this, but with MS they happen too often. Things pile up and objectives too often are failed. There is a disconnect between my mental identity and physical reality. Most of the time this serves me well as MS is not who I am, it is what I am dealing with. I am much more than my physical abilities, I have many relationships, creativity, chickens, a pretty garden and a meaningful relationship with my creator God. I have a great deal to be thankful for. I also know that one day I will have a renewed body in heaven with no illness, all things will be made right. Until then though, I will have to deal with this disconnect and learn to listen to where I am at today, today I have MS and a bug and need to rest, maybe I can birdwatch out the window? I am thankful though that today will not ultimately have the last word.
I will content myself with looking out the window at my garden.
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