Mar 15, 2013

MS Awareness week and I am having a relapse!

Argh, this stupid disease has got me it it's vice grip, this is the worse relapse I have had in years. I am in limbo, waiting for my appointment, trying to decide whether to succumb to the nasty treatment of steroids and wondering how bad this will get. I feel so powerless in this moment. I have to rest and I find it so boring and I just end up worrying. I wish I could report that I was calm and confident, unwavering and all of that, but I am not.

I started out with denial, finding all sort of excuses for the weird things my body was doing and then I started to worry about other things, like my mothers health, responsibilities, even trivial things. I was wondering why I was lying awake so worried. Then I had the big DUH realization.....

that I was really worried about my MS.

Yep, it is getting worse every day and I am wondering when this process is going to stop. Today it hit my legs and I can only shuffle. Reds and greens have also faded and my left eye is sore and blurry. I have tingling in the legs and they are randomly kicking like they are receiving electric shocks. And all I feel like doing in sleeping.

DAMN this disease. It sneaks up and robs me of my quality of life without warning. Now I am dreading the tests, appointments, the uncertainty, having to figure out what to do about rearranging my life. I do not want to deal with this but I have no choice.

Right now I need to vent and that is how I am dealing with it in this moment. Sorry about that, and hopefully I will also have better moments, but right now I do not. I will not convey the words in my head but you can imagine. Enough said.

Finally am getting stronger and am able to do more. I had a tough time with doctors as my great neurologist was away on sick leave. This always makes a difficult time worse. Thankfully the people staying with us jumped in to help with cooking and cleaning and so I was able to rest. I have so much to be thankful for but this disease does make life particularlydifficult at times .
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